Trip Report: Flu
I am a rather impressive person medically speaking. I’ve never been stung by a bee despite the fact that I am always relentlessly badgering them. I’ve never had strep throat. Or mono. Or most common illnesses. I almost narrowly escaped chickenpox–they came out with the vaccine for it the same week I got it. I one time broke both bones in my forearm without breaking skin at all. I have no scars on my body. And incidentally, I have somehow managed to successfully avoid the flu for two decades, having never once received a flu shot. Until now.
For the past 4 days, my body has been chilling out (literally) at the intersection of Barf Boulevard and Cough-up-a-Lung Court. My skin is pale white and my face has a very comely heroin-chic look. I think I’ve lost like 5 pounds. It hit me so hard that all correspondence between me and friends online looked something like this:
Friend: “Oh my god, check out this amazing link, you will laugh your ass off. It’s the greatest, most brilliant production of our generation [link to a video of a cat eating its own poop]”
Me: “Too sick no link click bye… puke.”
I spent most of the past few days, making loud moaning sounds and bellowing out the word “death” repeatedly. I’m not sure if I was prophesying it or wishing for it.
But today I finally went to the doctor. And they gave me some anti-vomiting medicine that they give to cancer patients. So now things are coming up Milhouse.
What I’m saying here is… I hope you all got your flu shot.
But if you didn’t, don’t worry. Flu, as Calvin’s dad might say, builds character. And makes you appreciate all your non-flu moments more.